When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
— “Fix You” by Coldplay
My younger sister recently shared her cover of this song, and as I listened to these words in her voice, it spoke to me in a way that I could no longer silence the voice inside me (and my elder sister’s voice echoing them), asking me to share my journey with you.
So many times in our lives, we come face-to-face with situations that are testing, and we can’t navigate them without a really strong anchor.
And when I say a really strong anchor, I don’t mean your go-to sad song or movie but something with the power to keep you together, nurture you, and help you learn the right lessons in your most difficult and darkest of times.
If you know me closely, you know that I value and seek true love above all else.
In this quest, as I met with defeat, I also had my brush with depression and with this, my self-defeating behaviors kicked in. The more I indulged, the more I drifted away from the light within me, which was in a constant battle to bring me Home.
One of these times, as I was struggling, I decided to take some time off to accompany my sister and our friend to a spiritual retreat center, as I often had in the past. But this time it was different.
Knowing my heart’s desire, my sister kept trying to find a match for me. I half-jokingly pointed out to her someone present there that I found intriguing.
We don’t know if he overheard our conversation or was just being friendly, but as he came up to our breakfast table and after introducing himself as Vrindavan, he started making small talk with us. We asked him to join us as we spoke of what had brought us there, to the beautiful eco-friendly spiritual retreat center, Govardhan Eco Village. He spoke of his journey and how he was there for his mother’s treatment, and how even though he was born into the Hare Krishna movement, he drifted away, only to find his way back after almost a decade.
Now, I was curious to know more. This is when we heard that it was time for the revered American Swami, Radhanath Swami’s, treatment, and if we wanted to, we could see him as he entered the Ayurveda treatment center. My sister and our friend, who are initiated disciples of HH Giriraja Swami, asked me to accompany them for the darshan.
They walked ahead, leaving Vrindavan and me behind to catch up. I took this time to ask him the burning question inside of me.
Me: Why did you leave the Krishna conscious movement, and what brought you back?
Vrindavan (laughing): Do you want an honest answer or the superficial answer that I usually give?
Me: Oh! Let’s go with an honest answer.
Vrindavan: Well, I left in search of true love, but after meeting many disappointments, I returned only to realize that THIS (affectionately looking at his chanting beads) is a reservoir of pure, true love.
With this, we found ourselves standing right outside the treatment center. I went ahead and rejoined my companions as we bowed to the effulgent presence of His Holiness Radhanath Swami. It felt like he could see through each one of us as he blessed us.
Vrindavan’s words and Radhanath Swami’s presence have brought me closer to my new life as an aspiring disciple of HH Giriraj Swami to share my spiritual journey with my godsisters as we serve our eternal father.
I am blessed to have found my anchor and true love and hope the same for you.
For those of you interested in knowing more about my spiritual path, please read:
